The Proust Questionnaire Part 2
At the beginning of November, I started to answer the various questions set out in The Proust Questionnaire, mainly because at some level I do like the occasional insight that “internet questions” can provide. Although most of my answers are frequently tinged with a degree of levity and at times even scorn, every now and then the right question can provoke a sincere response. So here are my measured replies to the remaining interrogative enquiries, for your consideration and edification. If you do not agree with them or find yourself at odds with my mindset, please address any complaints care of the late Marcel Proust (10th July 1871 - 18th November 1922).
At the beginning of November, I started to answer the various questions set out in The Proust Questionnaire, mainly because at some level I do like the occasional insight that “internet questions” can provide. Although most of my answers are frequently tinged with a degree of levity and at times even scorn, every now and then the right question can provoke a sincere response. So here are my measured replies to the remaining interrogative enquiries, for your consideration and edification. If you do not agree with them or find yourself at odds with my mindset, please address any complaints care of the late Marcel Proust (10th July 1871 - 18th November 1922).
18). If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? This is an odd question because if implies that changing one thing about yourself is impossible and can only be discussed in the abstract. This is of course nonsense. We can change ourselves physically via exercise, or surgery, make up or even by bathing regularly. As for making emotional, philosophical or psychological change to oneself, there are equally just as many options. I have always embraced the concept of continuous self-improvement. My life is a work in progress.
19). What do you consider your greatest achievement? I raised a son who now has a family of his own. He’s a thoroughly decent human being. Far more so than I. I helped contribute to this.
20). If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? If I was a seventies comedian from the North of England, I’d probably say “a woman’s bicycle saddle”. But I’m not, so I’ll go with an incurable plague virus.
21). Where would you most like to live? Robertsbridge in East Sussex. Or Horsham in West Sussex.
22). What is your most treasured possession? Walter.
23). What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? I assume this question is supposed to be drawn from your own experience. If so, the most emotionally challenging period of my life and when I was “the most miserable” would be when I got divorced and the accompanying emotional trauma that comes with such a situation.
24). What is your favourite occupation? Interesting. Does this question mean occupation as in job or in the sense of an activity or pursuit? Either way, for me it’s writing. I’m content whenever I am sitting at my desk, typing away on my PC, expressing my thoughts. I like the clarity that writing can bring as well as constructing a measured and logical argument. I also like the banter that can be found on Twitter (if you follow the right people).
25). What is your most marked characteristic? I suspect it may be my sense of humour and my somewhat sardonic manner. The world is a very odd, incongruous and at times illogical place. The current intellectual blackout that is spreading throughout western democracies, scares the hell out of me along with the general decline of politics. Therefore, I use humour and an irreverent attitude as a coping mechanism and prism through which to view life, without being directly broken by its crushing futility and inherent unfairness. I consider humour to be an important human characteristic, as long as one has the ability to focus that humour at oneself, as well as the rest of the world. Beware those individuals who lack any sense of mirth. I believe it betrays more about their nature.
26). What do you most value in your friends? The fact that they know me and yet still stick around.
27). Who are your favourite writers? JRR Tolkien, MR James, Charles Dickens, Ray Bradbury, Agatha Christie, Arthur C Clarke, Saki, HP Lovecraft, Roger Hargreaves, Richard Dawkins, Shirley Jackson, Nigel Kneale, Alan Moore, Arthur Conan-Doyle, HG Wells, Isaac Asimov, William Hope Hodgson, Rod Serling, Marcus Aurelius and many more.
28). Who is your hero of fiction? The Hungry Caterpillar. Also, Mr Tickle and Sam Gamgee.
29). Which historical figure do you most identify with? Robin Hood. I had to wear a stylised Robin Hood outfit in a school play when I was very young. The experience left me traumatised. I bet the real Robin Hood’s outfits were made by his mum.
30). Who are your heroes in real life? Everyday people that do “good” things without the benefit of media scrutiny or praise.
31). What are your favourite names? Xavier, Telemachus, St John (pronounced Sinjun) and Throatwobblermangrove.
32). What is it that you most dislike? A lack of critical thinking. Emotive beliefs and the politics of “feelings”. And people with poor personal hygiene. Wash your clothes and bathe regularly.
33). What is your greatest regret? Leaving my finger prints at the crime scene.
34). How would you like to die? What a stupid question. In my sleep of course and not being torn to pieces by a pack of rabid animals or having my nuts bitten of by a Laplander.
35). What is your motto? Pecuniam vertemus which translates as “Take the money and run”.
The Proust Questionnaire Part 1
The Proust Questionnaire was popularized by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering the questions, an individual provides an insight into his or her true nature. Whether that is true is debatable, but I do find the internets fondness for Q&A sessions, curiously fascinating. And as this very questionnaire has been recently resurrected by Vanity Fair magazine and has also been utilised on the Ricky Gervais is Deadly Sirius podcast, I though I’d jump on the same bandwagon, as I’m behind in my writing and this is an easy post. As there are thirty-five questions, I thought I’d tackle them over two days. So, without further ado, here are my considered and measured thought on the first seventeen.
The Proust Questionnaire was popularized by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering the questions, an individual provides an insight into his or her true nature. Whether that is true is debatable, but I do find the internets fondness for Q&A sessions, curiously fascinating. And as this very questionnaire has been recently resurrected by Vanity Fair magazine and has also been utilised on the Ricky Gervais is Deadly Sirius podcast, I though I’d jump on the same bandwagon, as I’m behind in my writing and this is an easy post. As there are thirty-five questions, I thought I’d tackle them over two days. So, without further ado, here are my considered and measured thought on the first seventeen.
1). What is your idea of perfect happiness? I find that I am at my happiest when I am in a tranquil environment. Noise, crowds and any place or activity that has the potential to generate anger of bellicose behaviour are the bane of modern-day life. Give me a quiet, calming location, that is warm and pleasant, and I quickly feel relaxed and thereby better disposed to others. Populate such a place with those who I care about and whose company I enjoy, and it becomes even better. Adding Gin, Pimm’s or a quality red wine doesn’t do any harm either.
2). What is your greatest fear? Putting aside pain which I think is a red herring when tackling this question, for me my greatest fear is losing the capacity to think, reason and martial my thoughts. Senility, Alzheimer's disease and generally any form of mental decay terrify me. These are cruel conditions both for those who suffer from them and their families. To be afflicted in such a way and to slip into a mental decline, only to have occasional moment of lucidity, sends my blood cold.
3). What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? If I make someone a promise, then I’ll keep it. If I take onboard a project that involves others, I will do my part because I have an obligation that I need to honour. Yet, I don’t always maintain this standard if the only person involved is myself. I’ll let things slide if I’m the only one affected.
4). What is the trait you most deplore in others? I’m tempted to say existing in the first place, but that is a little misanthropic. So, on reflection I’ll go with wilful ignorance. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something. I am poor at languages and there are lots of gaps in my academic knowledge. But if something comes to my attention that I don’t know about, I’ll research it. We live in an age where it has never been so easy to look something up. Yet so many people choose not to. And others even appear to revel in their ignorance. Thinking means having to read, analyse, consider and then make a decision. All things that many do not want to do at present. Every day is a chance at self-improvement, why choose to do the opposite?
5). Which living person do you most admire? This is a tough question. It’s hard to single out just one man or woman, because there are many who worthy of praise. So here are a few just off the top of my head in no order of preference. Ennio Morricone, because his music profoundly moves me, and he bring beauty into a dark world. Human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, not so much because of his politics, but mainly because of his dedication. He fights for what is just possibly at the expense of his own happiness. I couldn’t do that. The world needs people like this. I may even go so far as also citing Queen Elizabeth II. I’m not a major royalist but I think she is a unique individual. One that really has spent her life serving the nation. The wealth is a merely a trapping. She is about duty to the country. And man, she has had to put up with some appalling visiting heads of state over the years, on top of a never-ending succession of utterly shite Prime Ministers.
6). What is your greatest extravagance? A signed picture of Peter Cushing. Cost a fortune. But it’s the Cushmeister. Say no more.
7). What is your current state of mind? Relaxed. I have arranged to take a brief 36-hour respite from my caring duties. I have tinkered with my PC today, eaten far too many Pork Loins and am now on the Guinness. The world is nicely on the other side of the front door and I’m listening to Anthony Newley. A cold caller phoned earlier by I told them to fuck right off. Take pleasure in the simple things, I say.
8). What do you consider the most overrated virtue? I believe this refers to the twelve virtues attributed to Aristotle, rather than those found in the MMO The Lord of the Rings Online. All of those classical virtues were fairly sound, so I don’t feel the need to pick on one. Using a more contemporary yardstick, being humble is considered a virtuous thing to be. Sadly, it often manifests itself in the form of the humble brag, which is quite the opposite. Plus, virtues are a poison chalice these days. Make a principled stand and you’ll be accused of virtue signalling, which is a pejoratives term.
9). On what occasion do you lie? I like any other human being living in western civilisation, skirt around the truth, make factually incorrect statements and lie by omission on a daily basis. You cannot have a society that runs smoothly if everyone was 100% truthful all the time. Emotions and the truth are a bit like oil and water. So, lying has become a fundamental part of human interaction, although it is governed by a lot of rules. For example, it is okay to lie to children. “There is a Santa Claus”. “Oh, that’s a lovely picture”. And my personal favourite, “you can be anything you want to be”. As an adult we also lie as a social nicety. “No, of course you don’t look like a sack of shit tied up in the middle with a dead tape worm” etc. But there are lines in the societal sand. Lying in grown-up situations around issues of relationships, arson, murder and cannibalism are definite non-starters.
10). What do you most dislike about your appearance? At the age of nearly fifty-one I am beginning to lose that bloom of youth and my saturnine good looks are slowly fading. Plus, I’m not too keen on my eyes. It’s not the colour that concerns me but that old adage about the eyes being the windows of the soul. The realities of the modern world and the fact that life is mostly a bleak and futile experience, akin to picking at a scab, is reflected in my brown eyes. This frequently causes people to recoil and pets to defecate in flowerbeds. It’s not a good look for family photos either.
11). Which living person do you most despise? I don’t think it is healthy or wise to be consumed with abject hate for a person or thing. You can righteously disdain an individual or a course of action, but it helps if you maintain a sense of proportion. That said, there is no shortage of odious lickspittles and shit chiselling fuck monkeys in our world today. They are usually self obsessed, thin skinned, ignorant and devoid of empathy. It’s hard not to want to stove in their skull with a tent mallet. If you asked me this question when I was nine, I would have said Colin Robertson, without missing a beat, as he broke my eagle eye Action Man on purpose. The git.
12). What is the quality you most like in a man? A well developed and nuanced sense of humour. I like raconteurs and people who view the absurdities of the world through the prism of wit. I find that humour helps me no end, especially in my duties as a carer to two elderly people. If I didn’t laugh at what I encounter every day, I weep uncontrollably. I also like people who don’t try and dodge buying a round of drinks when it’s their turn.
13). What is the quality you most like in a woman? Why should this be any different to the quality I most like in men? Unless we’re going down the road of sexual qualities, to which I say keep your nose out of my peccadilloes (not to be confused with hands of my Armadillo). I guess this is just a legacy question from an age when the cultural divide between the sexes was more pronounced and entrenched.
14). Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Nebulous”, on “mature reflection” and “go piss up a rope, fuck stick”. I am also obsessed with obscure pop culture references, usually taken from my most formative years. Therefore, I’ll frequently drivel on about stuff from seventies and eighties TV, music and movies. For example, I often plagiarise a line from a classic Derek and Clive sketch, regarding “a bird on Mrs Coltart’s roof”.
15). What or who is the greatest love of your life? Mrs P, obviously. If we’re talking about “love” in so far as a passion for an activity, then it is writing and maybe podcasting. There was a about a three-year period when Contains Moderate Peril got a little traction and writing every day was a joy and recording the weekly podcast with Brian and guests was an absolute hoot. Good times.
16). When and where were you happiest? This question implies that I have some how peaked in the happiness stakes and that it’s now just a slow and painful decline into misery and despair, while listening to Lacrimosa by Zbigniew Preisner really loudly. Fuck this question. I live in the moment and there has been happiness throughout my life, as there will be in the years to come. That said, my granddaughters really make me happy as they are so young, loving and unspoilt by life.
17). Which talent would you most like to have? I’d like to be able to play the Baliset like Gurney Halleck.
To be continued.