Guilds Are Not Group Therapy
I was recently trawling through some screen captures from 2009, taken when I was a very active player in the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online. Several included the chat window as I hadn’t turned off the GUI when I pressed “print screen”. Hence I read a few fragments of chat which subsequently reminded me of a problematic situation our guild experienced for a couple of months. That being when someone joins your guild and at first seems like a good fit but later starts becoming difficult and unreasonable with regard to their expectations and online behaviour. The person in question in this instance eventually stated that they had mental health issues but by the time this was raised a lot of harm had been done to all parties concerned. They ended up leaving after an argument centred around perceived personal slights and a lack of support for their needs. It was an upsetting experience that was poorly handled, although it wasn’t any particular person’s fault.
I was recently trawling through some screen captures from 2009, taken when I was a very active player in the MMORPG The Lord of the Rings Online. Several included the chat window as I hadn’t turned off the GUI when I pressed “print screen”. Hence I read a few fragments of chat which subsequently reminded me of a problematic situation our guild experienced for a couple of months. That being when someone joins your guild and at first seems like a good fit but later starts becoming difficult and unreasonable with regard to their expectations and online behaviour. The person in question in this instance eventually stated that they had mental health issues but by the time this was raised a lot of harm had been done to all parties concerned. They ended up leaving after an argument centred around perceived personal slights and a lack of support for their needs. It was an upsetting experience that was poorly handled, although it wasn’t any particular person’s fault.
To summarise, a new player joined our LOTRO guild (kinship in the games own parlance) after grouping with some of our officers. They had been up to that point polite although a little shy and keen to learn and undertake group content. They did not use voice chat but would listen in and communicate via the chat window, which was not unusual as we had several other players that did this for a variety of reasons. After a while, especially when running instances and raids, they began to get frustrated with failure and when the group wiped. Although we never ever as a group blamed anyone, this person began to suggest we were inferring it. They also made a lot of suggestions regarding gameplay and strategy that were not relevant or useful. They had previously been an active player of another MMO and didn’t seem to understand that the mechanics and dynamics were not transferable.
It all culminated in a major argument one Friday night during a planned raid. Again a group wipe caused frustration for them. Supportive comments in chat about getting “back on the horse” were misinterpreted. Sub argument broke out via direct messages and then it started getting acrimonious. Eventually the guild leader interceded and politely suggested that the player take some time out to calm down and that they would happily listen to any legitimate concerns. It was at this point that the upset player declared to have mental health issues and that they were looking to the guild to work these through. It seemed that every positive thing said to placate and defuse the situation was taken the wrong way and they then quit the guild and vanished into the ether. A long and detailed in-game mail was sent the next day claiming bullying and callousness, none of which from my perspective was true. The player then either deleted or renamed their character and was subsequently untraceable.
Over the years, I have noticed that the MMO genre attracts a lot of people who have personal problems and who are facing mental health issues. MMOs offer a means of social interaction that is far more controlled and potentially manageable compared to those in real life. You can reinvent your persona and the way you are perceived. Chatting in text puts you far more in control of the situation. Hence you can see why MMOs are appealing to the introverted and those who wish a degree of privacy, while still having company and fun. However, the pendulum can swing equally the other way. Text driven chat can be a blunt tool. If you can’t see or hear someone, you can miss a lot of social cues. Irony and sarcasm are an obvious example. Plus, even online and within the superficially cosy atmosphere of an MMO, a lot of the problems from regular social interaction still persist. There are dominant personalities, cliques, power struggles and egos to deal with.
Hence, although I can see the allure of seeing an MMO as a safe or at least controlled environment to meet people and work through or address one’s personal problems, it strikes me as a far from appropriate environment to treat as a form of therapy. I’m sure some gamers may well contradict me and possibly cite positive examples of how they used their guilds as a medium for self healing. If that is the case then well done but I’m not sure if that is the prevailing experience. With regard to the anecdote I shared earlier, I was unaware of the person in question’s issues and even if they had talked about them earlier, would not have felt adequately equipped to help them beyond basic common decency. It also strikes me as a little unrealistic to expect too much from guild mates, when your main social bond is just playing and enjoying the game together.
Some guilds are set up to specifically cater to particular people or groups. To provide a safe space, a friendly environment and a support network. That is a different kettle of fish and a far cry from joining a casual guild of random players. It is difficult to gauge exactly what you should and should not expect from other players when joining a guild. I am happy to be welcoming and supportive to new players. But where does that social obligation end exactly? I find myself with more questions than answers. However, I feel that guilds are not an ideal medium for group therapy or as a means to self treat. I still look back on this incident from 2009 with a degree of upset. Did we do something wrong? Or were we wrong footed through no fault of our own? I wonder about the wellbeing of the individual concerned but as I previously stated, they vanished. Something that the internet accommodates quite well.
Looking After Your Mental Wellbeing
Very few people had a “good” 2020. I won’t bore you with a list of my personal woes as I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Plus everything is relative. We shouldn’t compare apples with oranges. Like many people, I now find myself fatigued by the ongoing global events and the conspicuous absence of normality. I like to consider myself quite a robust person. I have endured difficult times in the past and have come through them by remaining calm and focused. However, the nebulous and seemingly never ending nature of the global pandemic is extremely wearing. Let it suffice to say that I feel singularly unmotivated at present. Writing, which is usually a great pleasure, is currently a chore. I am also troubled by something that I personally find most unusual. A sense of sadness. And it doesn’t seem to want to go away.
Very few people had a “good” 2020. I won’t bore you with a list of my personal woes as I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Plus everything is relative. We shouldn’t compare apples with oranges. Like many people, I now find myself fatigued by the ongoing global events and the conspicuous absence of normality. I like to consider myself quite a robust person. I have endured difficult times in the past and have come through them by remaining calm and focused. However, the nebulous and seemingly never ending nature of the global pandemic is extremely wearing. Let it suffice to say that I feel singularly unmotivated at present. Writing, which is usually a great pleasure, is currently a chore. I am also troubled by something that I personally find most unusual. A sense of sadness. And it doesn’t seem to want to go away.
I recently wrote about plans for the New Year and mentioned a personal weight loss and fitness regime. I think I will now add to that a mental health element to try and maintain calm and stable demeanour. Looking after your mental health shouldn’t be a last minute consideration, only to be worried about when things go wrong. It should be treated the same as our physical health and given as much consideration. So I’ve done a little reading online to see if I can find some simple tips to improve my mental wellbeing. There’s plenty of information out there but it’s also a field rife with quackery. Luckily the UK NHS has some practical and straightforward advice. Essentially these are reframe unhelpful thoughts, be in the present, sleep well, connect with others and try to live a physically healthy lifestyle. Sound advice although it may not be as easy to implement it all.
I certainly will extol the merit of reframing unhelpful thoughts. Once you become aware of how you react in specific situations (which may be in a negative way), you can change such behaviour. Cognitive behavioural therapy is simple in principle but it can be life changing. Being in the moment is also a liberating state of mind. I tend not to look any further than the month ahead at present and focus on what is at hand, rather than worry about issues that haven’t yet become a direct problem. Sleep is an issue for me at present. My smart band collates data on the quality of my sleep and it’s not as good as it could be. Essentially my problem is one of relaxation. My mind is often still actively engaged when I should be sleeping. So I’ve been trying to find a way to mentally drop down a gear in the late evening.
“Seek and you will find” as the expression goes. Last night I was idly channel surfing when I stumbled across The Joy of Painting on BBC iPlayer. It’s been a while since I watched this show, yet within minutes the calming tones of Bob Ross and his gentle wordplay (“happy trees”) had defused my tension and replaced it with a sense of composure. This morning I felt that I had enjoyed a better night’s sleep. So I think the key in the future is to try and avoid an excess of “stimulus” after a certain time. I certainly think having a cut off point for social media or watching the news may be beneficial. I’m not advocating going cold turkey and shutting oneself off from the world. But I do think there comes a point in the day where it’s best to put some things back in their respective box and keep others at arm’s length.
I’d be very interested to hear from readers who have their own equivalent to watching Bob Ross as well as whatever methods they use to maintain a healthy state of mind. We are fortunate that we live at a time where talking about one’s mental wellbeing is no longer so difficult. The old school stiff upper lip mindset has been debunked as it often results in emotionally broken people. I hope I can find my sense of mental equilibrium again and see a return of my usual levels of motivation. And let us not forget to share a kind word with those we interact with both online and in day to day life. In these difficult times it is important to be aware that not everyone has the same support networks. Also not everyone will be coping the same and some folk still tend to put on a brave public face. Kenneth Williams said it the best. “Drowning, not waving”. So let us not add to each other’s problems.
